The Moustaki

I have a beef with the gay population out there.

It has nothing to do with marriage or parades or anything of the sort. I could give a hoot about all them shenanigans. No, my problem here has to do with facial hair.

See, gay folks have taken over the mustache. Especially the neat, thin little 'stache.

Whenever I let my beard grow out for a week or so, I remove the razor, stare in the mirror and think about how cool it would look if I shaved off everything but the hair above my lip.

But then I think, how gay.

Not just any gay, mind you, but 1970's-black-leather-crotchless-chaps-biker gay.

And that's pretty dang gay.

I suppose that if I was confident enough, I would just do it. I would just grow the damn thing and pull it off. Alas, my stones are not such rocks.

It's not that I have questions about my own team loyalty, it's that I already have enough people trying to get me to play for the other team and I don't want to send any mixed messages.

For example, the other night I got hit on at Catos, my local pub. It was the first time that this had ever happened and one might think that it was, therefore, a cause for celebration. Unfortunately, it was from a gay fellow (I suppose that you could see that coming, considering the topic of this post.)

Anyway, it was no ordinary pass. It was really, really forward, like the kind of move that, had I had done it to a girl, I would've gotten my face slapped. Now, I realize that I was dressed nicely, standing alone and sipping a glass of white wine but, hey, I was watching the A's game.

So, you can understand my hesitancy in letting any missionaries mistakenly believe that I might be having a slip of the faith.

My old buddy, Jules, has a thin little mustache and he pulls it off well. He's straight, but he's also French and he lives in Paris, so maybe that's why. Perhaps, the Gauls are immune from these types of male fashion rules. Same with their Mediterranean cousins, the Spanish and the Italians (not the Greeks though, they're all gay after all.)

Just kidding, Greeks!

(It's been thousands of years, I know, I know.)

Alas, I'm not French, or Italian, or gay or even Greek. My heritage is from further north. I think back in the day my people often had really thick, proud, manly mustaches.

You know, Vikings.

Those didn't look gay or French. But I also don't really want that much hair on my face. I was thinking something a little more sophisticated. A little more modern and suave, but still with a bit of threatening masculinity. Did James Bond ever have a mustache?

(pause)

Okay, I just did a quick Google scan of James Bonds images and found no sign of any facial hair whatsoever. So, never mind, I guess I don't want a mustache anymore.

Life is easier when you have role models.