Dear Guy on Bicycle,
I completely understand why you ride down the middle of the street in front of me going exactly half as fast as I am. You are, after all, superior to me. You are riding a bicycle while I am driving a car. You are saving the Earth while I am destroying it.
Yes, I know that you drove from your house in order to get to the trail where you could ride your bike and I also know that you take five hour car trips to go hiking in the mountains every other weekend but, come on, you're going to the mountains and that's, like, nature, so, it's totally okay. Besides, you probably drive a Prius and that is almost 2% less polluting than my car. Or, even better, you drive an Outback and Mother Nature definitely prefers gas fumes from an Outback!
Yay! You rule!
Unfortunately, it is from this state of admiration that I write to you of my concerns. No, it's not about your style of dress. I'm sure that if a grown man is wearing neon-bright, skin-tight clothing in public he must have a fine reason. In fact, I'm quite sure that all those corporate logos you're advertising must be very lucrative, indeed.
The reason I'm concerned here is the complete lack of fat that you seem to have on your face. I must admit, it is extremely impressive that you are able to maintain such a skinny and muscular frame. All those journeys up and down (and up and down, and up and down) the hill have paid off. Alas, I'm afraid that it's within those morsels of fat that God decided to put the happiness molecules.
This must explain why you're so damn bitter all the time, Guy on Bicycle, you've got no happy fat!
Therefore, I think that you might want to consider taking it easy for a day. Just one day. Sleep in. Leave the bike on the rack. Maybe swing by your local GameSpot instead of REI. I know money is to be hoarded like granola on a trail, but just try tipping the pizza guy more than two bucks for once. You might actually find that friendly interactions with people can be rewarding in their own way.
What about that mountain that you need to climb just because it's there? It'll still be there tomorrow. And then you can return to blocking traffic all the time because, hey, you deserve to. After all, you are Guy on Bicycle.
